Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
