Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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