yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
