Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
