i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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