My brain says no but my pants say off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
