You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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