i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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