Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
