we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
