Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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