If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
