failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
