normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
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Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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