Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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