Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
