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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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