Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
