All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
