I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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