I am in a vortex of obligation.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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