After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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