My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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