you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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