I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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