Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
