He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
