Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
