Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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