Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
