I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
