I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
