you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
