Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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