"it" just moved
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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