She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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