Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
