He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
