i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
