idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
