I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
