i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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