and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
