btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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