Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
