Ketchup is God's man juice
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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