is wine microwaveable?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
