I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
