I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
