i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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