Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
