We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
