Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
