I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
