Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
