My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
