I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
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I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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