between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
