can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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